I’m a sucker for News Years resolutions and reviews and looking back and looking forward. Last decade I looked back too much. Disbelieving about loss and how life can change so drastically. Now, more careful, I gauge where the pain is coming from.
I look for peace in the beauty of West Cork. and am confronted by memories tainted by family strife and unhappiness. I feel myself dragged down into a cycle of hurt and unfairness. I want to lash out, to hurt whats left of our disjointed, devastated and divided family.
I go to Mass , the first one after Christmas and I hear that its the day of the Holy Family. When we must all try to forgive and reconcile like Joseph did when he thought his wife had done the dirty on him. Instead of having her stoned, he married her and stood by her. The thanks he got was to be the only man in the Bible defined by his relationship to a woman rather than a man. You know Jacob, the son of… etc.
Instead, I feel like stoning my brothers. Where am I going to find the strength to deal with the anger and frustration of their lies and dishonesty.I pray for a sign. I walk to where I can look out over a hundred islands and God’s majesty is undeniable. I say what can I do to break this burden and cycle of hurt. Digging deep, or inspired by God, it comes to me.- My brothers feel scourged by me already. That is why they lie and pick their words with such precision. A load is lifted and I float down the hill. They can carry the hurt from now on. I look around and start to notice the ditches full of orange withered ferns, the flowerless fuschia trying to bud already, the green grass that never dies away in this climate washed by a gulf Stream of warmth and magic.